


tell the devil it's a deal

by oh_la_fraise



Series: born without plot [3]
Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Bondage, Butt Plugs, Cock Warming, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Sex Toys, love through trolling with hideous sex toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-19 05:57:06
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20652308
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oh_la_fraise/pseuds/oh_la_fraise
Summary: David shook his head fiercely, eyes landing on objects around the room as if he were calming himself with his superior taste.  “I just—how could you ever relax in a place like that?  Knowing that your house was that ugly?  It is impossible to feel really good amongst things that tacky.”





	tell the devil it's a deal

**Author's Note:**

  * For [olivebranchesandredwine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/olivebranchesandredwine/gifts).

> I wanted to do a quick write, so I asked Dr. Olive what she wanted because she's the best! This ended up being more Tender than I wanted, but c'est la vie.
> 
> Title is from No by Alison Wonderland.

It started, as a surprising amount of things in Patrick’s life did, with an episode of House Hunters.

They had started watching it as they’d searched for a place of their own, the wedding bedlam having calmed down enough for them to realize that they had so little space in Patrick’s bachelor studio they’d starting storing David’s sweaters in the oven.David had said watching an obscene amount of HGTV was “necessary research for discerning their aesthetic preferences,” and Patrick, dopey with the feeling of the band on his left ring finger, hadn’t argued.They’d moved six months ago, but the tradition of after-dinner House Hunters had continued; it was one of the few shows they both enjoyed, and Patrick enjoyed cuddling with David on the couch, reveling in the life they had created together.

He could feel David’s chest quickening behind him, building up to be what was sure to be an energetic rant as the bland Midwestern couple fawned over an equally dull brick ranch house.Patrick had to admit it was ugly, but David’s breathing was getting so fast Patrick was worried he was on the verge of a panic attack, so he pushed himself from where he was spread between David’s knees and turned around to look at him.“You gonna be okay?” Patrick asked, only half teasing.

David threw up a hand, gesturing wildly.“Patrick.It has _polka dot wallpaper.”_

“I know, David,” he said, running a hand through David’s hair.“It’ll be okay.They’ll rip it down and paint it a nice linen.”

David’s hand flailed even more, smacking Patrick in the chest.“Well they _can’t _tear down the in law suite addition, not with their budget.And its rooflines match terribly with the rest of the house!”

“Somehow, I think they’ll be okay.”

David shook his head fiercely, eyes landing on objects around the room as if he were calming himself with his superior taste.“I just—how could you ever relax in a place like that?Knowing that your house was that ugly?It is _impossible_ to feel really good amongst things that tacky.”

“I bet I could prove you wrong.”Patrick bit his lip just a little, and David’s eyes darkened.But David shook his head, not falling for the bait.“Yes, your bulk JCPenny button downs are horrifying.But they’re usually not anywhere near me during the best parts of sex.”

Patrick laughed a little.This man.“So if I kept my shirt on while I rode you, you wouldn’t be into it.”

“Okay, fine,” David said, shaking his head.“Your general _you-ness _is hot enough to counteract your terrible wardrobe choices.But if I had to wear it, I legitimately don’t think I would stay hard.”

“Wow, you really know how to sweet talk a guy,” Patrick said, but he pressed himself into David’s space anyway, aiming for the smart grin on David’s face.

Later, after they’d cleaned up the couch and David rewound the show until he was assured the couple had picked the much less terrible split level, Patrick started what could only be described as scheming.

~

A few days later, Patrick was preparing dinner while David was bustling around, cleaning a little and stealing bites of the salad Patrick had prepared when he thought Patrick wasn’t looking.He stepped outside to take out the trash, and when he came in, he was rifling through the mail, carrying a large box in his hand.Patrick froze.“We got a delivery,” David said.“I wonder if it was a mistaken address?I didn’t order anything.”

Patrick cleared his throat.“I did, actually.”

David looked at him curiously. “Since when do you order things online?I thought you were about ‘promoting the in person experience of retail.’”David rolled his eyes, as if Patrick’s views were ridiculous and they didn’t own a very experienced-base store together.

“It’s, uh, a gift for you, actually.Well, for us.” 

David’s eyes lit up, thrilled with the thought of a present.He dumped the mail on the table, picking up the box and shaking it like a kid at Christmas.“Oh!”he said, sounding pleased.“This is a sex toy company.Pa-_trick,” _he said, wiggling his eyebrows.“Can I open it?”

“Go on.”

David ripped through the box eagerly, but his face fell once he saw what was inside.Patrick turned around, to make sure the chicken wasn’t burning, but also so David wouldn’t catch him smirking. 

“The rope is orange.”

“Mmhmm.”

“And the plug is _lime green.”_

“Yup.”

“Is this a horror-themed role play that you didn’t tell me about?”

“I was just thinking about what we talked about the other night,” Patrick said, turning and leaning against the counter in a way that he knew made his forearms flex.

David didn’t seem to notice.“Did we have a talk about what colors go worst together?Because I do not remember that.”

“No.When we were watching House Hunters.You said you wouldn’t be turned on during sex having to wear something you considered ugly.”

David’s mouth opened, closed, and opened again.“And you. . .want to test that?”

Patrick shrugged.“We don’t have too if you don’t want to.”They’d find plenty of other exciting things to do.“But if you’re interested, I think I can really make you forget about the color of the ropes.” 

David cocked his head, looking at the ropes as if they might bite him.“And they’re safe?”

“The highest quality material, and the plug is medical grade silicone.” 

David’s breath left him in a whoosh.“Oh my god, the things I do for you,” but he was smiling as he said it.

~

They didn’t move to use the toys right away.It had been a long day, and they had to open the store early for a morning rock garden class David had booked. Instead, Patrick tucked them away in a drawer in their dresser; not easily visible for any wondering Stevies or Alexises who might break in again looking for the last of the limited edition brie, but where David would have to see them when he went to pick out an undershirt.David went a little green each time he saw them—it complimented the plug beautifully, Patrick told him. 

He let David squirm a little over the next few days, hovering around him when there were no customers and teasing him with all the things they would do.When Sunday finally dawned, the day the store was closed and they got to rest, David kept throwing increasingly desperate glances at the drawer.Patrick ignored him. 

Finally, halfway through the day, after they’d finished laundry and tidied up a little, Patrick sat up from where they had been resting on the couch.David perked up, watching him carefully.“I’m going to go work on some paperwork,” he said.

David groaned.“Oh my god, really?You’re really going to do paperwork.Now.”

“Why, David,” he asked, “Did you have something else in mind?”

“Stop being a tease.”David’s nose wrinkled.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.I’m going to go do paperwork.But if you want, I could find something for you to do too.”

“I’m listening.”

“Well, my cock does get cold when I’m working.”

“Your cock.Gets cold,” David said disbelievingly. 

“Mmhmm.I have bad circulation; need something to keep it warm.My nose gets cold too if I don’t move enough.  Of course you’d be pretty bored down there.Might have to give you something to keep you occupied.”

David’s eyes darkened.“Yeah, like what?”

“Hmm,” said Patrick, as if he were deep in thought.He tapped his chin.“Well, I know you like something in your ass to keep you filled, so maybe we could try out that new plug I bought.”

David nodded more quickly.“That, um, that sounds like a good idea.”

“Of course we can’t have you squirming from it—I need to focus—so maybe I could tie you up with that orange rope I got.”

David shuddered, face falling.“Did you have to say _orange?_”

Patrick shrugged nonchalantly.“Or you could wait while I do our quarterly earnings projections, and I could fuck you after.”

David closed his eyes briefly as if we were in pain.“It’s just, I have a lot of yellow undertones in my skin, and green contrasts really badly.We could use the black plug—we know that one is very reliable—”

“We could,” Patrick conceded.“But I’m not going to let you come until I’m done, so it might be better if you have something ugly to focus on.”

David groaned.“Oh my god I hate you so much.Fine. Fine!” 

Patrick laughed, kissing his way up David’s face.“Get naked and get on the bed.”

David huffed, but he did as Patrick said, shimmying out of his shorts and folding his sweater on the dresser.As he did so, he sent a glare to the top drawer, and Patrick couldn’t help but laugh as he followed David.“All fours,” he called to David as Patrick reached into the drawer, pulling out the dreaded green plug and orange rope and a bottle of lube.

He turned to find David had, for once in his life, listened to Patrick.He has completely naked, tight ass facing Patrick.His cock was half hard already, and Patrick’s cock twitched in kind as he drew closer to the bed.David had showered earlier, and as Patrick kissed down his naked spine, he could smell the lemon musk body wash he used, and something a little spicier that was uniquely David.When he made it to David’s ass, he took a second to bite David’s left cheek.David yelped, lurching forward, before catching himself and thrusting back to Patrick’s waiting tongue.

David was hardly quiet during sex, no matter what they were doing; it had caused them to come up with some very creative solutions when they’d first started dating and Ray or the Roses were but a wall away.But when David was being rimmed, he could yell loud enough to shatter glass. 

Patrick took his time, listening to David’s whimpers and pleas as he traced his tongue around David’s clenching hole.Eventually, when David had devolved into mostly incoherent cries, Patrick slipped his tongue inside, stretching David’s tight ring of muscle as he fucked in and out.He used David’s hips as leverage, grabbing and squeezing until there would certainly be bruises tomorrow.David’s breath hitched, and Patrick pulled back reluctantly.“You can’t come, remember?It’ll taint the results.”

“Oh my god,” David said, panting harshly.He was already pretty far under, to not react to that Ted-level pun.“Please Patrick, please.”

“You gotta be patient, baby,” he said, slicking his fingers with lube.“I’ll give you what you need.”

David whined as Patrick slid one, then two fingers in him—but Patrick wasn’t trying to tease this time, instead focused on getting David stretched enough to take the plug.Despite its admittedly terrible color, it was an impressive thing—big and curved just right.It also vibrated, which Patrick wasn’t sure that David, being too busy being horrified by the color, had realized.

He slid the plug in, watching as it disappeared into David’s body, greedy hole clenching around it.David whimpered again as Patrick fucked the plug in and out of him.By now, David’s cock was straining against his stomach, dripping, and Patrick was glad he’d kept his jeans on, because it wasn’t entirely impossible for him to come untouched at the sight before him.

He pushed David forward until he was kneeling, broad, shuddering back facing Patrick.Patrick couldn’t help himself; he took a break from his plan to lean down and gnaw on David’s shoulder.David gasped and Patrick licked it, soothing the bite, before moving on to the next step of his plan.

Patrick would take David’s word that the green didn’t go well with his skin tone—he thought David looked beautiful in everything—but the orange looked especially nice against David’s tan arms.He wound the rope around deftly—David was actually very good at this, and he’d been teaching Patrick slowly, and Patrick had been more than a devoted pupil.He didn’t do anything fancy, just enough to keep David’s arms tied behind him.

“Okay,” he said, leaning down to bite at that spot on David’s neck again before pulling him to stand.“Let’s go do those reports.” 

“You’re not going to get undressed?” David asked.His eyes were a little glassy. 

“Nope,” Patrick said, popping the P.He steered David, who was a little unbalanced from having his hands tied and the general nature of their activities, back to the den, where the big roll top desk David had found lived.He pushed David down gently underneath it, and then sat in the desk chair, unbuttoning his pants and pulling his leaking cock out.

Patrick ran a hand through David’s hair and cupped his jaw before slipping one, then two fingers in David’s mouth.David sucked them, and Patrick pulled them out to the side, stretching David’s pink lips. “Look at you.”

David smiled slightly, blushing at the praise, even with Patrick’s fingers still in his mouth.Patrick pulled them out and guided David’s head down to his cock.“Don’t suck.Just keep it warm while I work.”

Patrick tried to work on the quarterly earning reports, he really did.And to his credit, David was listening for once, keeping Patrick’s cock in his mouth without moving too much.He seemed to be almost meditating, he seemed so relaxed. Patrick liked giving head because he liked making David fall apart, but David enjoyed the act in and of itself; when they'd first started working together, Patrick had thought David had chewed on all those pens solely to torture him, but that's just the way David was. Patrick could feel the hot wet heat of David’s mouth around his rapidly hardening cock—and, to his amusement, Patrick was also a little distracted because his nose was actually getting cold.He wrote something down on the page that looked almost like a number, thought about David’s hole clenching around the plug, and tried to figure out why he’d managed to do half a page of calculations with the bath bombs priced at ten cents instead of dollars. 

He groaned, slamming his head down on the desk in frustration.There was an amused huff beneath him, the first time David had moved since he’d been placed under the desk, and Patrick groaned.“Yeah, yeah.If the CRA posts our taxes on the wall of idiots, it’s gonna be your fault for distracting me.”

David laughed around his cock again, and Patrick couldn’t help but shift back in the chair to look at him.David was drooling a little, dripping down his chin.His shoulders were curved in a bow backward with the rope, and his nipples were hard, begging for Patrick to tease him.His cock out was curved into his belly, wet and leaking.

Patrick wondered, briefly, if he was dreaming, because the fact that this was his reality seemed too fantastic to be true. 

He grabbed the back of David’s hair.“Push back against my hand if you need me to stop, okay?”He waited until David nodded, and tightened his fist and forced his David’s throat onto his cock. 

He kept his eyes on David to make sure he wasn’t getting too uncomfortable, but his eyes were glazed over.Reassured—David only looked like that when he was _really _enjoying things—Patrick kept fucking David’s head back and forth on his cock.Patrick could feel every nerve on fire, urging him on as he fucked David’s mouth.As if he sense Patrick’s eyes on him, he looked up—the bastard was smiling.

That was it.Patrick was done for.

David sucked him as he came, and eventually Patrick slumped back, letting go of David’s head.Patrick’s chest heaved as he came down, his softening cock twitching in the heat of David’s mouth.When his brain settled back into itself a little, he looked down to see David, eyes closed, his hips twitching and trying to grind down on the plug.

“C’mere,” Patrick said, and pulled David up and into his lap.David, mouth free, whined.Patrick settled him so that his leg was directly under the plug, and he bounced it, giving David a little bit of pressure.He was a little afraid the chair wouldn’t hold both of them—David had insisted on a historically accurate chair instead of something more comfortable—but to his relief, it held as David thrashed on his lap.

Using one hand to hold a squirming David to his chest, Patrick grabbed the remote he’d left on the desk with his other.He hit on the switch, and David began squealing as the plug began to vibrate. 

“C’mon baby,” Patrick said, swiping the bead of cum off of David’s straining dick, “you can do it.”

David whined, high and needy, and arched as much as he could in the ropes, and came and came and came. 

David collapsed against him, quiet, and as Patrick waited for David’s brain to come back online, he reached down and tugged out the plug gently, laying it on a piece of paper he’d discarded earlier.He pulled the quick release for the ropes and discarded them, pushing David up and standing up behind him.He guided David down onto the couch before shucking his jeans off and stumbling over to the kitchen to grab a wet rag.He took a second to wipe David down, knowing if he didn’t he’d hear about how hard it was to get lube stains out of the couch later, and settling onto the couch until David was pinned between him and the back cushion. 

Eventually, David’s gaze focused enough to land on Patrick, and he grinned goofily.Patrick grinned back. “So verdict?”

David rolled his eyes.“Don’t make me say it.”

“Because you know, I did see some other things we could try in the name of a fully rigorous trial.Fuzzy handcuffs, a collar with a bow on it—”

“Oh my god, _shut up,” _David said, but he was laughing into Patrick’s chest.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm on tumblr at ohlafraise.


End file.
